TEED OFF
By Robert Bicknell
 

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October 21, 2007

Send in the Clones…

"Bob, can you send in your column earlier than usual this week, we need to finish this issue earlier than normal for some reason..."

Naturally, they never tell me the reason, but then again I can hardly complain because I am their biggest nightmare when it comes to deadlines. Thankfully, they take pity on their more mentally disturbed columnists and let me slide once in a while.

Being quite ill for the last two weeks with an upper-respiratory infection that seems to be affecting just about everybody in Hanoi, you van expect this week’s column to get a little weird.

I have found that my friends lie to me constantly, but its for my own good and, probably, so they can maintain their sanity.

If we are scheduled to tee off at 12:30, they will tell me the tee off is at 11:30 just to be sure that I get there on time because I am famous for being late. Even my wife plays games with me by setting the clocks in the house ahead by 15 – 30 minutes and my secretary lies to me about the time of the morning briefings.

They all know me too well.

Granted, when Gopala or any friends play with me at my own course, I am still technically working, so last minute problems are somewhat normal and, lets face it, business comes before pleasure. Lars and Jeff also run around like lunatics right up until tee off when playing at their own courses as well.

Rushing in at the very last minute is not conducive to a relaxing round of golf and good scores, so they also know that the later I am, the more money they can take from me.

The problem is that there are simply not enough hours in a day for me to get everything done and even when , by some miracle I get everything finished beforehand, something will pop up at the very last minute to screw me up, or I will have too much time to kill and start doing something else and make myself late again.

What I really need is a clone.

Now, while this seems like a stupid idea, it really does have merit when you imagine the benefits of having an exact replica of yourself. The biggest advantage for me, of course, would be that I could finally be on time for a change.

With a clone, you could be both at home and out drinking with your friends and not get into trouble with the wife. You could help around the house, pick up the kids from school and be at work doing your job. You could take alternate month-long vacations and nobody would know you’re gone. Mother-in-law coming for a three week visit? No problem, make the clone stay there while you go off to play golf in Hawaii. Perfect.

Playing golf with your clone would actually allow you to play with yourself and nobody could make stupid jokes.

Another benefit would be that if you played poorly in some tournament, you could always blame the clone, even if he didn’t actually play. Of course, the clone – being a mirror image of you – could also play this game tell everyone the opposite.

I know some guys are thinking, "yeah, I could have a mistress and the wife would never know!"

Wrong, since a clone is an exact copy of the original, who is to say that the clone wouldn’t have the same idea and get himself a mistress too? Then there would be twice the chance of getting caught. Bad idea.

With that in mind, mine would be just as psychotic as the original and would always be late. He’d probably also be a lousy putter too.

While scientists could probably clone a human, governments and religious leaders scream that it would be immoral and unethical. They claim that man is trying to play the role of G-d.

But that’s not the actual reason that they are against it.

The truth of the matter is that, human nature being what it is, if all the men could have a clone, the wives would also want one and that means no escape for the husbands at all and twice the nagging and shopping bills.

We would be doomed.


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