TEED OFF
By Robert Bicknell
 

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Dec. 24 - 31, 2006

Christmas Shopping and New Year predictions...

You can tell the holiday season is officially upon us, not from the decorations in the stores, restaurants, streets, TV, but by the expression of the child at your side who is marvelling at it all and dragging you in the direction of the nearest toy shop. This is ok because toy shops also appeal to the child inside each adult male as well.

Forty year-old men can still enjoy a super-deluxe high-powered water pistol. Women, of course, prefer jewellery shops just to make shopping by their husbands and boyfriends more difficult. This is a fact of life.

When taking a dog to a veterinarian you practically have to drag it by the leash, while the dog has an expression of wild-eyed panic and is gouging up concrete with its nails. That’s what I look like when my wife takes me shopping.

Now before you think I am a cheap ogre who never buys gifts, let me set the record straight. You’re right. However, I’ve noticed its ok for my wife to buy stuff, but when I go into the golf store she warns me – "don’t buy anything!"

"No, my sweet. Of course not…I just want to look around."

I emerge two hours later with a maniacal grin, a melted credit card and an armload of goodies that I will probably never use. She know this and is waiting to give me hell.

The same problem involves toy shopping for my daughter…I will buy her everything I can find, knowing full well that she’ll love it and play with it for a day then forget about it. See? This is why I have to buy a LOT of stuff. My wife doesn’t understand this concept at all.

Everybody enjoys receiving gifts and most of us enjoy the expression on the face of people when receiving gifts. This is another fact of life.


OK, as this is a double issue for New Year as well...time for my annual predictions for 2007 and, of course, my New Year’s resolutions. As the serious readers of this column have noted over the last eight years, Nostradamus has nothing on me when it comes to predictions. My accuracy is uncanny and I continue to hold a perfect record.

I am never correct and I never keep the resolutions either, but that doesn’t mean one should stop hoping or trying. This is the season of miracles you know.

Predictions for 2007:

TaylorMade will launch a revolutionary new style of driver patterned after the well received R6 and R7 series. The new R2-D2 driver not only gives you 2000 more yards off the tee, but also beeps, chirps and makes an electronic screaming noise upon impact. It also doubles as a light-sabre in case you’re losing your bet and really don’t want to pay off.

Titleist will add yet another category of golfer to their list which currently includes: "highly-skilled", "skilled" and "aspirational golfers". An "aspirational golfer" is someone who wants to be a great player, but isn’t yet. Thus, the new category will be "Delusional Hackers" – players who suck and always will suck but spend a fortune on equipment each year.

Tiger Woods and Annika Sorenstam will quit golf and purchase two small countries which border each other. Border and trade disputes will be settled via match-play.

While on a skiing trip, Phil Mickelson impulsively purchases Vail, Colorado. He climbs the mountain and screams, "I’m the King of the World" and gets buried by an avalanche.

In her continuing quest to compete with the men, Michelle Wie tries, but cannot find a small town of her own to buy and settles for a Taco Bell which quickly gets closed down by the health department due to e-coli bacteria in the lettuce.

LPGA star Lorena Ochoa becomes President of Mexico. Lee Trevino becomes Vice President. Mexican Ambassador to Vietnam, Ricardo Camara, is appointed Secretary of State.

Resolutions for 2007:

I will quit smoking, I will quit smoking, I will quit smoking, I will quit %$@# smoking...and this time I really %$@# mean it!

I wish you all a very safe, prosperous and Happy New Year!


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